On validation and running with the leaves.

Today was a very windy, balmy--and beautiful--day.  I woke up thinking I had 9 miles, but the calendar told me 5.  I feel lazy about this, but I tell myself that changing to a plan that puts less pressure on me right now is a good thing.

But the wind!  As I turned in at Stonewall, the wind kicked up and blew some huge sycamore leaves along with me.  It was gusty, and as I ran up the hill on North 1st Street, it felt brutal.  It wasn't cold, though, and I worked up to comfortably hot and sweaty without cooking.

During my run I thought about some words.  Tolerance, acceptance, and validation, what they mean, what we want, and where they come from.  I guess I was thinking first about being a runner.  Really feeling like a runner can take a while when you first start, and that feeling comes from within.  Especially if, like me, you're not fast and won't be "competitive."  I'm not going to BQ or even sub 4, most likely, but I remember the tentative and then strong steps into feeling like a runner.  It came from inside me.

I remember quite a few years ago when I was looking everywhere else for validation in my life.  I was looking for my voice in books, so carefully weighing the climate around me for who would be supportive and who wouldn't, and hoping for people to tell me I was ok.  I remember the moment of clarity when I realized that validation comes from within and that I wouldn't really find it until I claimed it for myself.  That doesn't change what we need from others, though, especially the ones who are closest to us.  It can be shockingly painful when you find that people who you thought validated you don't and maybe never did.

Tolerance used to sound like a nice word to me, but not so much anymore.  Tolerance means, "I won't beat you up or call you names to your face."  Then there's acceptance: "I will talk to you like you matter but that doesn't have anything to do with what I really think about you."  Then there's validation: "Who you are, how you are, who you love, what you need, your limitations, your differences, your challenges--all of these things are meaningful and important to me and I believe in you and your life."

We absolutely have to validate ourselves, but also those we love, and if we aren't---why?  And what about the people who are normally dismissed?  I'm thinking not just about the way people look at me or the way I perceive them to be looking at me, but also of the way I look at other people.  Am I giving them the validation they deserve?  If I don't remember to treat people as valid human beings, I can't reach them.  It doesn't matter if it's my son or my partner or my sister or my students or the person taking my order at Taco Bell.

Maybe this is about as deep as the talking magnolia or the runoff story or the crepe myrtles with dresses and unruly curls.  Which is pretty deep if you ask me.

Monitor and Adjust

That's the motto for teachers--monitor and adjust.  Things aren't working?  Make some changes.  Kids are restless?  Make some changes.  So that's what I decided to do this weekend.  Maybe it was because I was feeling tired.  Either way, I decided to go back to the Higdon training plan that I used for the first marathon.  The long runs increase more slowly and I think I need that.  I'll just be making sure I CROSS TRAIN this time and take better care of my knee.

So Saturday I ran 7 in the growing dark.  Must get reflective gear!!  Yesterday I did 4.25 in a little bit of warm rain before today's cold rolled in.  Today I did a little over 5.  All of them have felt solid and encouraging.

I thought I could never train for a marathon over the winter--COLD! DARK!  But here I go.  If I had to pick the best lesson I've learned, I think I would have to go with the necessity of dealing calmly with uncertainty.  We don't know what will happen and it's ok to be calm about that.  What good does freaking out do?  The farther I get into training for this next race, the more exciting it will be.