Because there's always more to learn.

I have so been all over the place for the past week and a half.

A week ago Sunday was the 20 mile run that wasn't.  I didn't know what to think about myself as a runner after that.  I rested Monday and then went out Tuesday and had a good 5 miles.  I was encouraged.  I ran Wednesday and Thursday with little pain and continued to feel positive.

For whatever reason, I woke up Saturday morning feeling grouchy.  I was sleepy, I was tired, I was apathetic.  I took my time getting ready and made it down to the river trail around 6:30.  Still grouchy.  I wasn't sure how the run was going to go and to be honest, I didn't care in that moment.  I thought, hey, if I can't do this, I can go home and go back to bed.  Fine.

I got started, though, and the first part felt strong.  At one point I thought, hell, I'll just do 20 miles today.  I feel fine.  I stayed fairly strong, but did start having some slight knee pain in the last 4 miles or so.  It was nothing I couldn't handle, and I finished my planned run of 12 miles.  I felt ok.

Sunday I woke up stiff and hurting.  Monday and Tuesday were more of the same and I got really down.  Tuesday evening I was a bear to be around and went to bed to languish in front of Law and Order SVU at 7:30.  I've trained for this race all summer.  It seemed out of my reach.

Today I picked up some athletic tape and got together with youtube and taped my knee.  I noticed an immediate difference when walking and headed out, aiming for 5-6 miles.  The tape definitely helped but didn't hold well.  I had some pain in the second half of the run but got 5.5 miles in without much trouble.

As soon as I made it in, I iced, then stretched.  It's odd--I feel better right now knee-wise than I've felt since before Saturday's run.  Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?  I don't want to speculate right now.

I do know that from the time I started running, I've felt like I was learning things--about life, not about running.  I've learned about what I'm capable of and I've learned to be grateful for what I can do. 
When I came in this afternoon I told J, I only did 5.5 miles.  She laughed and said, only 5.5.  I can run 5.5 miles and say, "Only!" and that's something to be thankful for.

Through this knee injury I will continue to learn that I can't always know what will happen.  I could drop out of this race right now and give up, but that would be the easy way out.  Not the physical easy way out, but the mental easy way out--the way that I need to always know what will happen, the way that I think that the worst will happen and am often incapable of being positive.  So right now I'm just letting go of needing to know.  Right now, today, I ran 5.5 miles and am feeling well.  That's all there is---right now.

Setbacks.

This morning I had a lovely start to what was supposed to be a 20 mile run.  I parked at Cook's Landing and took off over the bridge.  I saw the full moonlight glittering on the river and the sky at the horizon was the deepest hot pink I've ever seen.  The air was cool.  It was beautiful.

My right knee started to hurt along the outside at about 3 or so miles in.  It was annoying, nothing else.  I tried to think of other things.  I had headed down Rebsamen Park past Murray Park and the golf course.  I turned back around 4.5 miles.  Back at Murray Park, I refilled my water bottles and headed on down toward Two Rivers bridge.  The pain was still mostly just annoying.  It didn't start to get bad until I got to the other end of Two Rivers Park.  I stopped to refill on water again and when I started running, it was much worse.  I was moving slowly, around 11 minutes per mile, and hoped to keep going.  Back at the dam, I passed the entrance to the bridge and went back down towards Murray Park.  Still moving slowly, I knew at this point that walking didn't help and that if I stopped again it was for good.  That happened at about 16.5 miles.

I called J to let her know I was hobbling back to my car and tried not to kick up a pity party.  Some girls gave me a ride from the last park entrance down to the bridge, which I appreciated very much.  I crossed the bridge, finally, and made it back to my car.

And now here I am.  After a summer of training, I don't know what's in store.  Obviously I hope to take it easy for a few days and still make the race.  I'm going to look into new shoes tomorrow evening since I feel like a lack of support for my feet contributed to this.  Who knows.  I have talked about this so much and it has become so important to me--I know that if I have to miss this race that there will be other races, but the thought of letting go of this goal that I have had since the spring is so sad.

Falling behind.

Not on running, not really, but on posting!  Last week I had a close call--I was sick on Wednesday and took Wednesday and Thursday off from running.  Between the illness and my tendency to think the worst, I was pretty sure I'd never ever feel well enough to run again. (I am a peach to deal with when I get like that).  Believe it or not, though, I got all the miles in: 9 on Friday, 5 on Saturday, and 14 on Sunday.  The heat has been killer--as soon as I step into sunlight, even, say, 7:30 am sunlight, I can feel it sucking the energy out of me.  (Maybe that's how it stays so hot?)  The 14 miles on Sunday weren't horrible--and that's about all I can say about that.

The week before last, I did my first 18 mile run.  I really went out there planning to take it in chunks--just four 4.5 mile runs, right?  I handled it well in the beginning.  I took short walk breaks at the end of each chunk and felt pretty much in control and solid at the half-way point.  At the 12 mile point I refilled water bottles at the skate park and still felt really good.  After that it was getting later and I started to encounter some of that evil sunlight I mentioned earlier.  The last 4 were tough.  It was hard to keep going more than a mile without a break.  I finished the run with a 10:40 mm average pace and I was ok with that.  I've really revised my speed expectations since hitting the 16 and 18 mile distance.  I hope race pace will be a little better than that, but right now I'd just like to keep my marathon time under 5 hours.

This week is the highest mileage week--5 tomorrow, 10 Wednesday, 5 Thursday, 20 Saturday.  Aside from worrying about how to get all those miles in before work, since we started back today, I'm feeling fine about it.  The 20 miler will be tough, but I'll get it done.