Because there's always more to learn.

I have so been all over the place for the past week and a half.

A week ago Sunday was the 20 mile run that wasn't.  I didn't know what to think about myself as a runner after that.  I rested Monday and then went out Tuesday and had a good 5 miles.  I was encouraged.  I ran Wednesday and Thursday with little pain and continued to feel positive.

For whatever reason, I woke up Saturday morning feeling grouchy.  I was sleepy, I was tired, I was apathetic.  I took my time getting ready and made it down to the river trail around 6:30.  Still grouchy.  I wasn't sure how the run was going to go and to be honest, I didn't care in that moment.  I thought, hey, if I can't do this, I can go home and go back to bed.  Fine.

I got started, though, and the first part felt strong.  At one point I thought, hell, I'll just do 20 miles today.  I feel fine.  I stayed fairly strong, but did start having some slight knee pain in the last 4 miles or so.  It was nothing I couldn't handle, and I finished my planned run of 12 miles.  I felt ok.

Sunday I woke up stiff and hurting.  Monday and Tuesday were more of the same and I got really down.  Tuesday evening I was a bear to be around and went to bed to languish in front of Law and Order SVU at 7:30.  I've trained for this race all summer.  It seemed out of my reach.

Today I picked up some athletic tape and got together with youtube and taped my knee.  I noticed an immediate difference when walking and headed out, aiming for 5-6 miles.  The tape definitely helped but didn't hold well.  I had some pain in the second half of the run but got 5.5 miles in without much trouble.

As soon as I made it in, I iced, then stretched.  It's odd--I feel better right now knee-wise than I've felt since before Saturday's run.  Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?  I don't want to speculate right now.

I do know that from the time I started running, I've felt like I was learning things--about life, not about running.  I've learned about what I'm capable of and I've learned to be grateful for what I can do. 
When I came in this afternoon I told J, I only did 5.5 miles.  She laughed and said, only 5.5.  I can run 5.5 miles and say, "Only!" and that's something to be thankful for.

Through this knee injury I will continue to learn that I can't always know what will happen.  I could drop out of this race right now and give up, but that would be the easy way out.  Not the physical easy way out, but the mental easy way out--the way that I need to always know what will happen, the way that I think that the worst will happen and am often incapable of being positive.  So right now I'm just letting go of needing to know.  Right now, today, I ran 5.5 miles and am feeling well.  That's all there is---right now.