Drag it along with you.

My four miles this morning started out tough. I felt tired and clunky and my shins started to tighten up. I trudged along at over 10 minutes per mile, hurting, panting, dragging. Runs like that are disheartening. Even though I know better, I question whether I'll ever have a good run again. I thought, if this is bad, what will tomorrow's 9 miles feel like? How will I ever do 18 on Saturday? I thought maybe I would give up on the marathon. What made me think I could do something crazy like that? I could sleep in the rest of my summer break.

I found my heart at about half way through. I thought, even though this is hard, I don't have to let it drag me down. I picked my head up. I put on a touch of speed. In life, I told myself, don't let things drag you down. Pick them up and drag them along with you. I thought about that for a while and then hit a snag. Shouldn't I be trying to leave behind the things that are dragging me down? Throw off the baggage and just run, free and strong and happy? Sure, yeah, if this is a fairy tale and I'm trying to fool myself and anyone who might read this. Life doesn't work that way and neither does running. I can't always throw off the things that are weighing on my mind any more than I can throw off shin pain or the 93% humidity of this morning. But I can pick my head up and put on a touch of speed and just drag all that shit along with me.

I finished up feeling strong this morning, with the reminder that I can find strength when I didn't think I had any. That's the most important lesson. That, and the audacity of hope. Who came up with that? It wasn't me, but it seems like I remember Pastor Randy saying something about it before---to hope, to set goals, to keep going, to have faith---that's audacious. You have to do more than believe because sometimes maybe your belief will fail you, and that's when you just have to plunge on forward with the audacity of hope, daring to try.


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