About pain--

I'm not sure of the number of times that running has brought tears to my eyes, but they've never been tears of pain.  The first time was maybe a third of the way through couch to 5k.  I don't remember the date or what week of the program I was on.  What I do remember is where I was standing when I was overcome with that feeling --the one where everything is perfect?  The song in that week's podcast had a happy little bump and skip and it was misting outside, almost raining.  I came to the end of a running interval, started walking, and just...felt thankful and exhilarated.  To be out there, to be doing that, to be able.  That was the first time, but there have been many since.

Running has taught me to be thankful, always, that I am able to do what I do.  It has also taught me about pain.  Not injury pain (knock on wood and stuff), but the pain of growth--both in running and in life.  Pushing myself to keep running when I was first starting was hard.  I would tell myself in my head, "This is just how it is right now, this is how you are existing at this second, this is what you're doing."  And I would keep going.  I started to realize that pain is the only currency that we have to pay the universe for our growth.  The important thing is to be able to realize which pain is helping us grow and which pain is keeping us back.  I have to listen to my body and not get injured.  The same goes for pain in everyday life.  My job will probably never be easy and relationships will always hit bumps, but that pain is usually worth it.  Sometimes pain should be embraced, plunged into, sifted, loved.  Sometimes not.

When I was training for my first half-marathon, there were a few moments--when it was getting difficult--when I would ask myself, "Do you want this?  You want this! Do it!"  And I always came back to the other things in my life that I wanted, too.  Like to pass comps and get my MA.  I think it was running, partly, that got me to do that studying and pass.  Because if I can push myself to run, can't I push myself to do other things, even if they kind of hurt at the time?

This afternoon I didn't really feel like running.  Graduation is tomorrow and I'm stressed with the planning, and every glass I own was on the counter because of the ants who were trying to own my cabinets.  I went anyway and got to experience the perfection of a cloudy day in May with a light breeze and a temperature in the 60's.  I got out there, I felt strong, and I gave a little nod to a pine tree on my walk home.